I'm not on here very often anymore What's up with that? My mind is just scattered everywhere Nowadays. I can't contain my thoughts I forgot how to contain my thoughts
It's like my brain cells are bouncing against my skull My brain is almost never at ease I can constantly feel my pulse.
My dreams are so erratic One day I woke up And my heart was beating so fast and hard that it actually hurt My mom says it might be anxiety Anxiety? What am I anxious about? I'm not exactly sure what's wrong But I don't like talking about it I write better than I talk anyway Even right now My muscles are tense They're always tense. Moving on. I'm thinking about Being full-blown vegetarian Just thinking I haven't made any moves yet Well I cut beef & pork out my diet A few years ago. That doesn't count though 'Cause a lot of people do that

My dad says
"your heart has to be set on it
You can't just go through the motions
Of vegetarians
You have to think like them
Act like them
Not just eat like them"

Of course while my dad was saying all this
I was acting all nonchalant and stuff

But really,
He has a point.

My dad made vegetarians seem like
A whole different species
Which what I expect from
An all-American meat-lover.

But I'm still thinkin'.
I'll get back with you
(whoever "you" are)
On my thoughts
Later.


The pic at that top
I just felt like puttin' it there
'Cause I like it
It was Christmas
As you can see

???????

I've been pretty dry lately
As far as creativity goes

But that's A.O.K.
Cause right after my typical droughts
I normally flood.

I'm just waiting for the first few sprinkles, actually.
But I won't force it.
Just let ease on out.

A lot has been happening
At school
At home (I'm moving)
In my personal life
Not much worth telling
No wait.
Actually it is.
But I don't really feel like it.
Thinking about it is tiring,
let alone having to think about a way
To type it out poetically.
And unfortunately
Poetry isn't up my alley at the moment
Eating is.
I haven't eaten anything to day.

Nature calls.
Peace.

Today

I went and saw Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre
At the Fox
It was nice
I saw too many people I knew
Than I prefer
I just don't like seeing certain people
Outside of the place that connects us
Whether it be school
Or work
Or whatever
Especially if I don't like them
'Cause then that'll leave me obligated
To form pointless conversation
Just to be polite.

But anyway
That's not what I wanted
To post about
I wanted to talk about
My experience
Which was nice
Very nice
Inspiring.
Made me wanna work harder.
Ailey always has amazing dancers.

There was this one dancer
That I COULD NOT
Keep my eyes off.

More on that tomorrow.
I have to go to bed now.
Good night


Peace.

Amazement.

The power of movement
Combined with music
Is overwhelmingly amazing.

Recently,
Well,
More like yesterday
Me and two of my good friends
Were having this really intimate
Dance class.
I say "intimate"
'Cause it was just the 3 of us.

We were just warming up
And going across the floor
And getting ready to run through
A piece we had choreographed
Full out.

We started doing various combinations
To random songs....

And then we came across this ONE song
That went PERFECTLY with
Our random combinations.
You know how you come across a song
That's so powerful
That you get chills just listening to it?
Well imagine that feeling multiplied by three
And that's what I felt
When we started dancing to it.

When I began dancing
It didn't take long for the song
To take me over
Completely.
Chills ran through my body
Which gave me the ability
To just move to the powerful
POWERFUL lyrics of the song.
As I continued to dance
The emotion of the song
Built up in my heart
And was expelled through my movement
I was amazed at myself.

This feeling was so powerful
That when I went home
And saw an advertisement on TV
That reminded me of the song
that gave me a revelation
of really why I dance
I began to cry
Actually cry
As I reminisced
On my first emotional encounter
With the combination of an
emotionally moving song
And dance.

I wish I could explain my experience
To the extent where you could feel
What I felt at that moment
But unfortunately
There is no word in the human vocabulary
Or any language
That can send you what I went through

You have to feel it for yourself.

Each and EVERY dancer
Should experience something
Similar to what I did
As a reminder of the of the power
Of movement combined with a song.
Dance combined with lyrics.
However you wanna say it,
If you come across the right combination of the two
It can be somethin' else.

Really.

I can't wait to dance to it again.
To let my body wrap around the
Imaginary notes floating out of the
Speakers.
It is truly....
I don't know.
Can't find the right word.
If it exists.

But enough of my rambling
I've got other things to do
And I'm sure you do to.
So I'll stop writing.
Even though I really,
Really don't want to.
But I must go now.


Peace.

Dang!

Dang...

I haven't blogged in five days
How could I possibly go that long?

Nah,
clearly it is possible
But really, everything is "same 'ole same"
As our old timers would put it
I finally have a job (hopefully)
I'm counting on it pretty heavily

My last job
I quit it cause it was too tiring
And not worth the pay
I made $100 a month
Which is okay for someone my age
If you can even guess my age

I worked at a kiosk in the mall
That sold hella good nuts
It was called "The Nutty Bavarian"
My job was to pass out as many samples
As possible (listen to me trying to make it sound like a
hard task lol)
Anyways, it wasn't that easy
I standing on my feet at constant
5-hour intervals
And quite frankly,
I had to resign because the job
Took up my whole Saturday
And whenever I'd be invited somewhere
My answer would be "Sorry, I have to work"
And I just don't like having
To use those words
At least not in that order
Let's try:"Work (is) sorry, (but) I have to"
Because I do
Well I don't have to, have to
But I do prefer to have my own money
It's easier
And heck, it feels good

So anyway my current job
Isn't THAT much better
Just on Sundays instead
I haven't got my first check yet
What I do is
Clean a community center

I'm trying to be exposed
To all sorts of employment
I try not to be one-sided
Even though my future plans
Don't include working for someone

But whatever
I need the money
So....

So....

So

Today I attended
Alvin Ailey Summer Intensive Auditions
Were they easy? Yes.
Did I make it? No.
So if they were easy, why didn't I make it?
Maybe it was because I couldn't stop laughing


I admit
And I'm not very proud of admitting
That I was laughing at people
But across the floor, they just looked so funny
And knowing me, I cannot control my laughter
Once I start, I can't stop
And sometimes I forget what I was
Laughing at in the first place, and I just continue laughing
Like what happened in auditions
I'm sorry I laughed at people though

I shouldn't have done that
And I was very wrong
As a matter of fact, I feel bad
But I LOVE laughing
And I seek EVERY opportunity
I can to do so
Even if it's at someone else's expense
That's just how much I love laughing
And I can't really help it

When I laugh at people,
I'm not even trying to be mean
I mean, if I find something funny,
It's just funny.
It may not even have anything to do
With the person.
I was just laughing at the way
They were moving.

But now, I'm laughing at myself
Because I'm sitting at home
Typing and doing homework
And callbacks are being held right now

So the last laugh is on me.
Ha.

Happy Sunday!

So it's Sunday, right?

Yep, it sure is...
Sunday morning, to be exact
I think I'll maybe have a more
Detailed post tomorrow
Because right now
There's nothing much to say

And the only thing I did yesterday
Was go to my chiropractor
And to the dance supply store
And to the grocery store
And back home....
See? That's not really much

So I'll check in tomorrow


Peace

What's UP?

So what's up?
Not much with me.
Cept my Valentines Day sucked!
But that's no reason to be bitter.
I don't like bitter people.
They're just so...bitter!

When I walked down the hall yesterday,
I couldn't help but have the Valentines Day blues
I saw girls with balloons tied to their wrists
Couples leaning against lockers swallowing face
And my stomach just dropped
I've never felt more left out
But I sorta brought this upon myself
In a way
Because I spend the rest of year
Glaring at boys who nod at me
Or try to form conversation
In fear that if I accept them as more than a friend
My grades will flush down the toilet
And I'll spend all my time
Trying to make them happy
And I'll do something I regret
Or something that completely contradicts
My personal values and morals
I've seen it happen

I don't trust myself enough to have a boyfriend
And if I don't even trust myself
There's no WAY I'll confide in a boy
Who probably doesn't even like me THAT much
And probably only wants one thing


I'd rather have one day a year of loneliness
Then disappoint myself the rest of the year
By choosing the wrong "one"
Like I said...I don't really trust myself that much
And plus I haven't lived long enough
To read boys or know when they're playing me
Or if they're really like me

So as most might say
I'm staying on the "safe side"
Because there's no use in getting into something
I know little about
I'll live and I'll learn
Ya know?

Anyways I'm glad there's no school today
Even though President's Day
Doesn't really mean much to me
Because as far as I'm concerned
We can't seem to find the right one anyway

Peace.

Hi-Ya!

So what's up?
How's life? Lol
I hate when people ask me that
Such a sad attempt to start a conversation
If the conversation's not there
Then please don't force one
It makes things awkward
Even more awkward than
Sitting next to someone you don't know
In silence

Normally when people force conversation
In a few minutes
We end up nodding our heads and sayin' "yep".
That's annoying.

But anyway, I hope life's been treatin you well
It's been goin great for me
Well not GREAT, great
But certainly ok
Not really much to say
Unless you're interested in every detail of my life
But why would I post that on the internet anyway?
That's stupid.
Like when you hear stories about girls
Gettin kidnapped and raped from myspace
Ok, that only happens to stupid people
But whatev.
At the moment I'm posta be workin on a project
But of course I got side-track
And I've got 2 major auditions tomorrow
Both of which I should be preparing for
But I'll be ok

Anyways
That's all I'll write for today
I actually wrote quite a bit
But at the same time I wasn't really
Talking about anything in particular
That's funny
Anyways I'll check in later


Peace

Goodmorning

Goodmorning....

To however the heck
is reading this
I don't have any subcribers yet
But whatever.
This is my diary

Anyways,
Today shouldn't be very busy
I'll be at my grandma's
Can't wait to see my best friend
She lives on the other side
Of my grandma's street
I haven't seen in her
In about a month or so
& I just talked to her last night
After not having talked to her in about 3 weeks
Can you go that long without your besty?

And my other besty
I haven't seen her since
last August
Ashame, huh?
we might as well live in different states
I love both of them so much
If you mix both of their personalities together
You have me.
Crazy Sometimes
Yet serious, calm & collected.
Opinionated.
And very funny.
I love who I am
I hope you do too
Because it's the greatest feeling
In the world
When you fianlly have some sort of
Satisfaction about who you are
And how you live
And when you realize that you are
a true blessing to this earth
And that you have a task that
Nobody else was meant to
Accomplish.

It took me awhile to realize that
Through all the pain I've
Gone through internally
I can finally lift my head
And say who I am proudly to people
Because I'm proud of myself
And I appreciate who I am
Because there is no one else
Exactly like me.
Love yourself always
Becuase at the end of the day
Your self-love
Is the only love
you can rely on
Totally.

Have a promising, peaceful, and productive day!

Please be careful.

Sometimes.....

I don't know if I'm the only one who does it
But I sit and wonder about the way things go.
It's like whenever I ask "why?" the answer is always
"Just because."
and they leave it at that.
Does anybody
ANYBODY
ever stop to think
about various possible outcomes
but me?
I know I'm not.
But sometimes I am.
It's very irritating
how people can be so careless.


Earlier today,
I was talking to my best friend
About abortion.
Not that either of us need one
But we discussed
that the life being sucked
right out of the mothers womb
could have possibly been
the person to compose a cure for cancer.
the person to end world starvation.
basically,
a person that this world
Really needs.
But no.
You're forced to
suck the last ounce of hope
that this world has
right out of your womb
Because you can't raise your child.
Because you're insecure.
Yet you had enough
security to lay there
and compose the life?

Careless.